Must Live Life

No brainer, right?  That was my epiphany on my drive into work this morning.  I haven’t been.  My job has been my life.  So when your job goes to the crapper – your whole life goes to the crapper.

It has been awhile since I have written, have you missed me?  😊

Last time I wrote I had just moved to Michigan.  I did get a job and have actually moved from that job to another job.  Both crappy and when I think about it – I have had a string of crappy jobs and that is because my life revolves around my professional life.  Makes sense, doesn’t it?  It is funny how you can shut down what is right in front of your face.  The light went on this morning so change is on the horizon linked to my “personal” life rather than my “professional” life.

I have been a widow for almost 4-years.  I have found that I like living on my own.  I do have Rocky as a companion but he is a dog.  A year ago, I bought a house, gutted it and was consumed with the renovation.  Great distraction!  I really enjoy the work – the physical, no thinking part of it.  Part of my problem.  Once I start thinking, that is when I get depressed.  Don’t get me wrong, I realize many have it worse off and I am being a whiney baby.  Life has already been quite the journey for me – maybe I crave the chaos?    That would be crazy!

So many self-help books focus on we are all special and have a special journey.  The tough part is finding that special journey for many of us.  My thoughts, what if I am not special and I never find a special life journey.  Is this all there is?  I work and then go home to read and watch TV – whoa really special!  Been doing that for two years now.   

To add other elements – some unknown (volunteering with United Way (hospice)), some known (art studio is under construction) -   should shake things up. 

Give me your input.  Wondering if other’s have similar inner turmoil’s?  If so, what are you doing to fix it?

Take care and "Trying" to keep it R.E.A.L!

Pure Michigan!!

Pure Michigan!!

            Just moved back to Michigan.  There I was - very well paid job in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida when my boss brought in my new supervisor.  Kick in the professional teeth, big time.  I put my two week's notice in that day (they approved one week).  Found a house to rent in West Bloomfield, loaded a Penske 16 foot van, put the mini on a tow trailer and off I went.  All within two weeks.  Crazy, right?  Right!  Here I am two weeks in and getting antsy on the job front - really only looking one week - as the house had to be moved into.  Working with two recruiters but getting more results with applying on my own - that always happens to be the case.  Recruiters move slow.  I have some cushion but not enough for my comfort.  I must admit patience is not one of my virtues.  I have had one phone interview with another happening tomorrow. 

            What I am trying to focus on, is that this wouldn't have happened so easily if it weren't meant to be.  Even Tracie, Brian and Quinn moving to Michigan is a miracle as Brian got transferred to PWC of Detroit.  For the first time ever - my whole family will be within arm's reach.  Awesome!  My sons and their family live 45 minutes away, my dad one and one-half hour away, and Tracie will be living super close as well. 

            When I left Florida, I had no remorse/regrets at all.  The closer I got to Michigan, the more excited I became.  The beauty of Michigan is vivid.  The impact of the flowers and the freshness of the air are invigorating.  My dog and I have dramatically increased the amount of time we spend outside.  Visited with my dad - pulled weeds in his garden while Rocky entertained with his quirkiness.  It was good to hear dad laughing out loud.  That weekend I went up to Kurt's to meet the newest addition to the family, my granddaughter Tegan RuthAnn.  Absolutely beautiful.

            It is frustrating to realize no matter how excited I am to be here, my mind and thoughts veer toward...gotta find a job...gotta find a job.  God has always looked out for me and my future so I have faith.  I think it is the way I was raised.  I have always worked so this idle time goes against the grain.  I know it takes time to find a job so I am constantly reminding myself, "you will have a job in no time and you will love it!".  Will see if the pep talks work.

Take Care and keep it R.E.A.L.!

Women's Quest

I committed to the 2014 Colorado Women's Quest - Adventure Retreat to jumpstart my rut.  I had no concept of what it meant and was quite intimated about meeting a bunch of strange women.  The focus of the retreat was mountain biking, hiking, yoga, meditation, along with grounding and balancing our hearts.  As most of you know (if you have read my blogs), I became a widow almost a year ago.  It left me floundering a bit as the ground of which I stood on was suddenly cracked beyond repair. 

 I read a lot and when I say a lot, I mean A LOT.  I have read every self-help, get stronger, get more confidence, etc. and thought okay it is time to test myself with real experiences.  My first solo trip ever!  I planned everything from booking the retreat, buying the plane ticket and arranging the two hour shuttle ride from the crazy Denver airport to Winter Park, Colorado.  The planning was just the beginning of self liberation.

 I am not totally sure what I was thinking when I booked the trip as my physical self runs 12 miles a week (4miles each day) and do yoga for 20 minutes twice a week - that is not a whole lot of physical exertion compared to Colleen Cannon.  She was a successful triathlete and in her racing days, she was World Champion in 1984, and National Champion in 1988 and 1990. She also was a multiple U.S. National team member.  Colleens goal is igniting sparks and passions in people for the outdoors, their own bodies and their spirits.  She creates a safe environment for women to experience new kinds of activities and to not feel rushed, intimidated or threatened.  We all live in a very competitive world and Women's Quest is a safe haven from all the craziness of that competition.  From Colleen's years as a professional athlete she saw that we needed more women in sports.  Since then, it has been her personal mission to get more women involved in sports on a level with which each woman is comfortable. Regardless of your age, fitness level or athletic background, it is never too late to learn to love an active lifestyle and feel truly alive.

Another fundamental reason for creating Women's Quest was to educate women about healthy body image, nutrition and a fun, active lifestyle (which hopefully gets passed down to their children).   Their goal is to introduce women to the healthy aspects of being balanced and to connect people with the biggest playground we have - the outdoors! 

By the time I arrived at the Woodspur Lodge in Winter Park, Colorado on Sunday, I was feeling a bit punchy.  I met four other women that were going to ride on the same shuttle to the same Women Quest retreat and looking at them I did not feel so bad.  They weren't in any better physical condition that I was except for Katy from Alaska.  She brought her own mountain bike.  Even though, I was glad that Colleen has asked if I wanted my own private room a few days prior to taking off for the trip instead of sharing with someone I did not know.  I accepted of course.

The lodge is a rustic a-frame with lots of character.  Unpacking my bags, I thought it would be comfortable for the five days I would be staying there.  Our group of thirteen women all arrived and we had an introduction session and then we went down to a stream full of bubbling energy.  I was feeling a major shift in my energy already.  I live in Florida so there are no mountains and no streams that come from snow capped ranges.  I just realized that I had tapped down my need for the beauty and energy of the great outdoors.  We connected back to the earth with our bare feet (shoes removed) and I worried about poison ivy (none they declared).  Hooray!!  What was also a major perk, the food provided with our retreat and the lodge was delicious.

On Monday was our first mountain bike ride and all I could think was oh no - the last time I went bike riding was in Stoney Creek, Michigan and they were hills not mountains.  They eliminated the intimation by trial assessment.  I could not get the switching of the gears right so they put me in a group that would take the paved paths.  What a blast and I did get the gear switching finally!  The beauty was breathtaking and I wasn't so focused on the trails that I couldn't look around.  I loved the speed of the bike, the curves, and wind in my hair.  We then went to a rougher trail - just a couple of us that were up for it.  The quest leaders were very gentle and warm with of us, I was getting more and more comfortable by the minute declaring I can do this! 

Monday set the tone for me.  On Tuesday, we went hiking - four hours and seven miles later, I felt remarkable.  So what my legs were burning and my toes felt like they were going to fall off.  Colleen had thought we would be tired and return within a couple of hours.  We blew her mind that we hiked all the way to the water falls.  What a beautiful sight!  We ate our lunch while soaking our feet in the freezing cold water.  It was quite the experience.  On the way back, I started to spill by history to Christina, a quest leader.  She was a very good listener and full of age advice.

Before too much longer, I had shared my history with a few more and they accepted me without reservation.  They too shared their own burdens and history.  What a cathartic experience.  I felt like a ton of bricks had been lift off of my back.  They were helping me to carry it.  The group size was small by Colleen's historical measure, but the group dynamics were through the roof.  By the time we had gone through yoga sessions, another mountain bike ride, and another hiking trip all the way up to the continental divide, I felt so amazing!  Stronger, happier, and loved.  I met my soul sisters there.  There seems to be a liberating light that is mysteriously ignited when we got out into nature. This is where the fun began.  This was the best trip ever for me! 

I would recommend Women's Quest for all.

God Bless
Keep it R.E.A.L.

Knee Jerk Reactions

We have all had them to some extent as we are human and have become sensitive to some of life lessons.  Mine came when I became widowed – my minor freak out had me joining three on-line dating sites within one month of being by myself.  My God, I can’t be alone, I thought.  Why that is against life rules, right?  We were placed here to balance out with someone of the opposite sex.  Another thought was this is the first time I have been on my own – ever.  I went right from my mom and dads’ home to getting married and having my first child at the age of 19. 

So yes, three dating sites for three months, which is the shortest term (thank goodness).  What a joke!  I talked on the phone to a few and I can understand why they were on the sites.  Most of them are chasing multiple women at the same time and get them all confused.  It was hilarious.  I met one at a restaurant, it was pretty dark inside and I noticed some discrepancies from looking at him and remembering his photo.  He had posted a 10 year ago photo and was polite enough to say, “Should have stayed inside where it was darker, huh?” after we had walked out of the restaurant to leave. 

With all that, I decided that there was a reason the new dating scene was not working.  As ridiculous as it may sound to some, I had the knee jerk reaction that I had to fill the focus spot that had just been vacated.  It was then that I had to admit to myself that I had never spent time getting intimate with myself.  I kept busy with being married, working, being a mom, working out, etc. – all real busy work so I did not have to think and feel.  So I dunked myself into the deep end – my own psyche.  Scary for me, as what if I did not like myself. All my energies had been spent on my family and never in any deep thoughtfulness into what I felt or even what was important to me.

Without repeating some of what I have already written (you might want to read more of my blog to further understand) and now almost a year later, I have gotten to know more about what makes me tick.  I have grown in knowing my passions, my personal goals (no longer seeking approval from my life partner), short and long-term, and I have realized that until I become intimate with myself completely, there is no way I could be intimate within relationships.  I don’t share my intimate self easily so until I can, I will hold off on seeking romantic connections.  First I seek intimate friendships – baby steps, right? 

We all lead very busy lives and I have to encourage everyone to not forget about taking time for just yourselves, otherwise we lose connection with what should be most important – ourselves. 

Take care and keep it R.E.A.L.

Running Partner

 

                I never thought I would have a running partner.  I am a long time runner (over 30 years!) and have just started running with one.  He doesn't give me a chance to say "not this morning" before he is gearing up for the run.  I don't have the heart to say "no", "I'm too tired", or a simple, "I don't feel like it."  We start off at a fast walk to warm up and then we are off and running.  We go 4 miles on Tuesday's, Thursday's, and Saturday's.

                 There are days where I can't catch my stride or my wind, those are the worst days.  He glances impatiently at me and strides faster.  I guiltily pick up the pace.  He rewards me with a big grin and picks up the pace even faster.  I groan heartily but my legs respond as I know it makes him happy.  Before long though I have to say "enough, I need to walk", he allows me 10 steps (yes, I count them) to get my breathe back.  I think he deliberately pretends that he is choking so that I start running again.  My running partner is my year and one-half old boxer dog, Rocky.

                There are days when he has ADD and wants to run after the birds that are quickly scampering up the sidewalk.  Talk about speed training!  We run out the same path and return on the same path for each run.  He has it memorized.  Now if only I can get him to watch for cars when we cross the road - I would be a more harmonized running partner.  I love running with Rocky and the joy he gets running with me  makes me a dedicated runner.

                I am very grateful that after all these years that I am still a runner.  I started running while pregnant with my first son.  He turns 33 this year.  I have found that running feeds my need to be in nature, to talk with God, exercise, meditate, etc.  Initially, I started running to lose weight, now it balances my stress, gives me mental moments, and makes me feel strong.  My running with Rocky adds a element of giving happiness to another, which has become important to me as well. 

                It has been a while since I shared - I have missed it!

                It won't be as long next time!

                Take care and keep it R.E.A.L.

Check Your Thoughts

Check Your Thoughts

Meditating on the question "Who am I?" for as little as 5 minutes a can help you look beyond your ego's definition of you and discover what lies beneath.

Settle into your Body - With your eyes closed, seated in a comfortable position, and hands folded in your lap, lengthen your body as if your head is being suspended by a cord from the ceiling.  Scan your body, notice where your stiff and try to soften.  Most areas of stiffness are shoulders, face, thighs, belly, arms and hands.  Take 5 deep inhalations and exhalations.

Focus on your Breath - Focus on the rise and fall of your breath.  Let it be natural and relaxed as it brings you into the present moment.  Feel the coolness of the breath as you inhale and the warmth as you exhale.  Notice where you feel the breath in your body.  Do you feel it in the chest and shoulders? In the diaphragm or belly?

Quiet the Mind - Feeling the flow of breath, inhale with the thought "I am."  Feel the energy of the words mingling with your breath and flowing into your inner body.  Then with the exhale, feel the space that these words leave in your consciousness.  Repeat the pure mantra "I am" without attaching any other thoughts to it.  Stay in that moment for as long as possible allowing yourself to become more and more relaxed.

Practice Inquiry - As you relax and your mind quiets, begin to drop in questions, "Who am I, without words? Without thoughts? Without memories or emotions?  Pay attention to your response to these questions.  If words or emotions arise, let them.  Identify them - "thoughts," "sadness," or "confusion" - and return to the questions.  You're not really looking for an answers, look to experience the bare awareness h=that is your sense of being, or pure existence.

Rest in Awareness - The sense of pure awareness is there and as you practice this mediation, it will eventually reveal itself.  Continue your inquiry, and see if you can gently rest for a second or two in the wordless awareness that immediately follows the questions.  The opening into awareness may last only for a few seconds.  If your thoughts become too loud, start over: Return to the breath and the mantra "I am."  Then ask the questions again, pay attention to what arises.  Stay within the process for as few as 5 or as many as 30 minutes.  Then open your eyes and return to your day.

Take Care!
Keep it R.E.A.L.

 

Gods Grace

God

Good Day Everyone!

Even as I start to write this, I struggle with finding the words I want to use to convey the impact of the experiences.  In the first blog, I stated that I found my way back to God.  We are all human and we all struggle with certain personality quirks (DNA) that make it tough to overcome even some of the smallest of life obstacles.  As I write this I am praying to God to lead my typing fingers, my heart, and my thoughts to express words that can impact others. 

I wistfully watched Brady Bunch while growing up.  The kids all talked together and mom and dad were loving towards them.  What a concept!  My parents were alcoholics and the best kid was the one that wasn’t around.   Mom died at the age of 52 from cirrhosis of the liver.  At the time she went to the doctor and diagnosed, she had a choice: stop drinking and live, continue to drink and die.  She chose death.

My first husband was an alcoholic.  Yes it is true that what we grow up with, we become comfortable with and seek the familiarity of.  My second husband wasn’t an alcoholic when I first met him but ten years later he was.  I felt a failure.  Why wasn’t I able to help him (them)?  Through God I realized that if people can’t be strong for themselves, you can’t be strong for them.  Your own strength can actually make it worse.  I was close to following in my first and second husband’s alcoholic path.  Who wouldn’t like to drown out the life questions and feelings of inadequacy?  It is certainly easier than seeking, learning, and the pain of evolvement.   My life road has been quite rocky and full of curves.  I am grateful for every rock and curve today but as I was going through the crap, I wasn’t.  The toughest time so far is getting through the imagery of my husband committing suicide before my very eyes.  God has helped tremendously with that – I pray every time the image pops up:  God is within me, God is guiding me, God is helping me. 

That’s all for now.

Take care and keep it R.E.A.L!