Knee Jerk Reactions

We have all had them to some extent as we are human and have become sensitive to some of life lessons.  Mine came when I became widowed – my minor freak out had me joining three on-line dating sites within one month of being by myself.  My God, I can’t be alone, I thought.  Why that is against life rules, right?  We were placed here to balance out with someone of the opposite sex.  Another thought was this is the first time I have been on my own – ever.  I went right from my mom and dads’ home to getting married and having my first child at the age of 19. 

So yes, three dating sites for three months, which is the shortest term (thank goodness).  What a joke!  I talked on the phone to a few and I can understand why they were on the sites.  Most of them are chasing multiple women at the same time and get them all confused.  It was hilarious.  I met one at a restaurant, it was pretty dark inside and I noticed some discrepancies from looking at him and remembering his photo.  He had posted a 10 year ago photo and was polite enough to say, “Should have stayed inside where it was darker, huh?” after we had walked out of the restaurant to leave. 

With all that, I decided that there was a reason the new dating scene was not working.  As ridiculous as it may sound to some, I had the knee jerk reaction that I had to fill the focus spot that had just been vacated.  It was then that I had to admit to myself that I had never spent time getting intimate with myself.  I kept busy with being married, working, being a mom, working out, etc. – all real busy work so I did not have to think and feel.  So I dunked myself into the deep end – my own psyche.  Scary for me, as what if I did not like myself. All my energies had been spent on my family and never in any deep thoughtfulness into what I felt or even what was important to me.

Without repeating some of what I have already written (you might want to read more of my blog to further understand) and now almost a year later, I have gotten to know more about what makes me tick.  I have grown in knowing my passions, my personal goals (no longer seeking approval from my life partner), short and long-term, and I have realized that until I become intimate with myself completely, there is no way I could be intimate within relationships.  I don’t share my intimate self easily so until I can, I will hold off on seeking romantic connections.  First I seek intimate friendships – baby steps, right? 

We all lead very busy lives and I have to encourage everyone to not forget about taking time for just yourselves, otherwise we lose connection with what should be most important – ourselves. 

Take care and keep it R.E.A.L.