We
have all had them to some extent as we are human and have become sensitive to
some of life lessons. Mine came when I
became widowed – my minor freak out had me joining three on-line dating sites
within one month of being by myself. My
God, I can’t be alone, I thought. Why that
is against life rules, right? We were
placed here to balance out with someone of the opposite sex. Another thought was this is the first time I
have been on my own – ever. I went right
from my mom and dads’ home to getting married and having my first child at the
age of 19.
So
yes, three dating sites for three months, which is the shortest term (thank
goodness). What a joke! I talked on the phone to a few and I can
understand why they were on the sites.
Most of them are chasing multiple women at the same time and get them
all confused. It was hilarious. I met one at a restaurant, it was pretty dark
inside and I noticed some discrepancies from looking at him and remembering his
photo. He had posted a 10 year ago photo
and was polite enough to say, “Should have stayed inside where it was darker,
huh?” after we had walked out of the restaurant to leave.
With
all that, I decided that there was a reason the new dating scene was not working. As ridiculous as it may sound to some, I had
the knee jerk reaction that I had to fill the focus spot that had just been
vacated. It was then that I had to admit
to myself that I had never spent time getting intimate with myself. I kept busy with being married, working,
being a mom, working out, etc. – all real busy work so I did not have to think
and feel. So I dunked myself into the
deep end – my own psyche. Scary for me,
as what if I did not like myself. All my energies had been spent on my family
and never in any deep thoughtfulness into what I felt or even what was
important to me.
Without
repeating some of what I have already written (you might want to read more of
my blog to further understand) and now almost a year later, I have gotten to
know more about what makes me tick. I have
grown in knowing my passions, my personal goals (no longer seeking approval
from my life partner), short and long-term, and I have realized that until I
become intimate with myself completely, there is no way I could be intimate
within relationships. I don’t share my
intimate self easily so until I can, I will hold off on seeking romantic
connections. First I seek intimate
friendships – baby steps, right?
We all
lead very busy lives and I have to encourage everyone to not forget about
taking time for just yourselves, otherwise we lose connection with what should be
most important – ourselves.
Take care
and keep it R.E.A.L.
